Customer Relations DepartmentYe Olde True Love Gift ShoppeSanta's Grotto, North PoleDear Sir,Thank you for your recent order.Sadly, it was directed to the Cookery Department of our Nursery Rhymes Section by mistake, and one of our more enthusiastic elves proceeded to make a very nice mock-turtle-dove soup using the last two turtle doves in stock.We currently have turtle-dove feather boas at a special reduced rate for loyal customers.Sincerest apologies,Yours faithfully,Miss L. Toe
Customer Relations DepartmentYe Olde True Love Gift ShoppeSanta's Grotto, North PoleDear Sir,Thank you for your recent order for the super-deluxe partridge/pear tree combo.We regret to inform you that it has not been possible to dispatch the item at this time, as the partridge sustained serious head injuries after being hit by a falling pear.We apologise for any inconvenience caused, and hope you will continue to shop with us,Yours faithfully,Miss L. Toe
There were several children at Mass this morning, and I could sense the rising excitement, which was, I have to admit, infectious. I was, as a result, feeling less Scrooge-like than I did after yesterday's débacle. Nevertheless, the thought of battling against hundreds of highly excitable children and their exhausted and frazzled parents meant that I set out for Bluewater with more than a little trepidation!
I'm not very successful when it comes to preparing for Christmas - preparing in the physical sense, that is. While I enjoy shopping, I do not enjoy food shopping, or shopping when I have absolutely no idea what I want to buy, and I loathe large crowds.
No, not climate change. Stem cells. Adult stem cells.Archbishop Mark Coleridge, the Chairman of the Bishops Commission for Liturgy, told the meeting that it is now anticipated that the new Missal will be published in early 2011.
In preparation for the publication of the new Missal an international catechetical resource is being developed. The multi‐media resource, to be used by English speaking nations around the world, is being prepared by Frayneworks, a work of the Sisters of Mercy in Melbourne.
Its preparation is under the direction of Fr Peter Williams, the Director of the National Liturgical Office.
Entitled “Become One Body, One Spirit in Christ”, it will be completed by the end of 2009 and will be launched in London this month by Bishop Arthur Roche, Bishop of Leeds and Chairman of the Leeds Group (of English‐speaking Bishops’ Conferences).
It will be available for distribution throughout the English‐speaking Catholic world by the end of February 2010. The resource will be launched in Australia at the national representatives in liturgy gathering to be held in Perth in early February 2010.
I should be used to it by now, but the British inability to cope with slightly adverse weather conditions never fails to amaze me.
Various angels were behaving in a most un-angelic fashion, though most of the noise was actually coming from the kings and shepherds... Once inside the church, the angels seemed keen to have their photos taken...
... and then needed a little more pastoral encouragement to stay put!
Joseph was looking somewhat boot-faced: I think the girl he had hoped would play Mary didn't show up...
... and yes, Baby Jesus is dressed in pink. Boy babies cannot always be guaranteed in time for Christmas. At least she didn't howl the place down.
Eventually, all the children got to go up for the final prayers and the blessing. One year, a couple of shepherds decided to settle old grievances by bashing seven bells out of each other. This year was somewhat more peaceable... although one of the kings couldn't resist chasing one of the shepherds around the choir benches... and one of the shepherds started to chew on his sheep...
Advent is drawing to a close. Now that school has finished, I'm starting to feel a bit more Christmassy. The start of the holiday has been a bit frenetic: visiting a friend, going to the cinema, and, today, practically a whole day spent in church... at least I get a lie-in tomorrow.
No, not mine. Much better, trust me!
Earlier in the year, there was an article in The Suppository which was rather uncharitable towards His Hermeneuticalness. So many people felt rather strongly that Damian Thompson and Fr. Z ran campaigns to raise money for some rather nice vestments.
The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:
Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore, faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative. Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.
Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way
A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel in. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around
The union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts. Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining her / his glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.
Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey,
on the dusty road,
Got to keep on plodding onwards,
with your precious load
The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height, or lack thereof, may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.
We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star
Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'Cash for Gold' etc., gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher. We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels' hooves.
Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose?
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.
You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R. Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.
