Wednesday, 7 November 2007

Healthy Living

Newhousenewjob has just been enthusing over the effects of endorphins after her session at the gym. Personally I think that the warm fuzzy glow and enthusiasm for life is due to the cream cakes she ate earlier...

It reminded me of the following health advice:

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer - that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: 'Round' is a shape...!


Mairin :o) said...

Thank you, I love this!

newhousenewjob said...

*Ahem* I did say it was just the endorphins talking. ;¬)

deb said...

I am going to use all those excuses the next time someone urges me to be healthy.

Adulio said...


Cathy said...

I got this very same thing in an email from one of my parish priests, coincidentally.
So it must be true!

Dr. Peter H. Wright said...

I've only one question : what on earth is an endorphin ?

Otherwise, yes to everything you say, plus : eggs and bacon, butter, double cream, butter pastry, potatoes roasted in plenty of beef fat, any form of chocolate, most alcoholic drink, etc.

Low fat diet ? No.
Low calories ? Don't know what that means.
Health food ? Well, that's one way to lose weight, I suppose, for people who have an "issue" about their weight.

Grain whisky ? Never touch the stuff. Stick to single malt.

Ale is brewed from barley.
Weissbier is brewed from wheat.

Exercise ? Well, a gentle stroll round the garden is O.K. in the warm weather, but don't overdo things.

Jogging ? Bicycling ? Rowing ? Gymnastics ? Mountain climbing ?
Yes, fine. If someone else wants to do these things.

Stay well.

The Digital Hairshirt said...

Very clever!

gemoftheocean said...

Great post -- you inspired me to blog about "dieting tips" -- so I linked you.


Fr Justin said...

Mac—I've never used this before, so I'm delighted to be able to award you Fr Justin's first ever 'LOL'.

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