Letter from a 98 year old woman to her bank manager.
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculation three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his having presented the cheque and the arrival in my account of funds sufficient to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement, I admit, which has only been place for the last 38 years.
You are to be highly commended for siezing this brief window of opportunity and also for debiting my account £20 by way of penalty for the inconvenience experienced by your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I notice that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a 'Flesh and Blood' person. My Mortgage and Loan repayments will herefore and hereafter no longer be automatic but will be presented to an employee of your bank, whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any person other than the nominee to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status form which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry that it runs to 12 pages but in order that I know as much about him/her as your bank knows about me there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his/her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in any dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be any shorter than 28 digits, but again, I have modelled it on the number of buttons that I have to press required for me to access my account. As they say, "Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery".
Regrettably. but again following your example, I must levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
Your humble client,
Mantilla-twitch to Philip at Carpe Canem.