Wednesday, 23 July 2008

I Have Seen The Error Of My Ways...

Having seen these photos on the Curt Jester's excellent blog, I have been inspired. I feel sure that I am called and chosen... I have a vocation to the ordained priesthood. YES ! I want to become a womynpriest.

BUT... not just any old womynpriest. I like Latin, and snazzy vestments, and I believe in Tradition, and so I am totally convinced that I am called to be a Traddy womynpriest.

So, I have a few questions for my soon-to-be-fellow clerics:

(1) Should I remove my mantilla while being ordained to the Minor Order of exorcist?

(2) Does anyone know whether buckled shoes are available with stiletto heels?

(3) What action should one take when a false nail falls into the chalice after the Consecration? (Ditto for false eyelashes!)

(4) Would a clerical tonsure remove the need to have my roots re-touched?

(5) How can one remove lipstick stains from a purificator?

(6) Are tie-dye stoles obligatory? (because I really prefer embroidered ones!)

(7) Is it permissible to knit when assisting in choir?

I'm sure that there are plenty of issues which need clarification... feel free to add them to the com-box.

UPDATE: It just occurred to me... this "Seal of the Confessional" thing... it doesn't actually apply to really juicy bits of gossip, does it? I mean, what else can one talk about at the monthly parish coffee-and-cake mornings??

25 comments:

gemoftheocean said...

Dudette, if somone DOES give you a good answer to #5 please post it prominently. I HATE it when women with a thick coat of lipstick drink from the cup.....not "nice" to say but there you are. I always feel like grabbing a kleenex to wipe after them rather than ruin a purificator.

Meanwhile -- if you work your way up to archbishop let me know. I've always wanted to be queen of England, so you can anoint me. The fact that I am a) a papist b) an American (albeit with 1/8 English blood, I'd probably be around 34 millionth in line) and c) the present monarch is very much alive, should present no problem. If you can be a womynpriest then I can be Queen. She has nice digs, and I'll see to it that you have your own guest house whenever you want. Sylvester can outrun corgis can't he? Deal?

Mac McLernon said...

Definitely a done deal, Karen.

Except for the corgis.

Oh, and the fact that we're Catholic. As a Traddie Womynpriest, I'm not having any truck with heretical Anglicans. And the post of Queen is reserved to Anglicans, on account of the "Head of the Church" thingy which was kicked off by Henry VIII.

And I'm not letting you convert, because that would make you a heretic...

Fr Steven Fisher said...

1. Since a woman may not speak in Church (as St Paul says) it will be necessary to say Mass sotto voce (including the sermon)

2. Lipstick must be the colour of the Mass being said. If there are commemorations then it would be fitting to add the colour that one would be wearing were one to be saying a votive Mass of the one being commemorated as a vertical stripe down the mouth.

3. The hair must be tied back (same rules as to colour as number 2)

4. You will have to put on about 6 stone to get the right look of a womanpriest...and age a bit as well.

5. Remember that everything must be sung in Latin at a traditional Mass. Thus "we shall overcome" is not acceptable. May I propose "evincemus, evincemus, aliquando diem evincemus". You can sing it in the 7th mode.

6. Don't be silly. Tie die stoles aren't mandatory; just tie die maniples.

gemoftheocean said...

No, no, Mac.....I'm kicking out the Anglicans and restoring establishmentarianism to the papists!!! If you can be a womynpriest, this point will be trivially easy to fix when I am queen. Then we'll have all those nice lovely old churches back which haven't been wreckovated. Details, m'dear, details! I may have to raise an army to fend off protesting whiners from the C of E, but hey, I'll just swing by Texas on my way over and this should be easy too. I'll get some good ole boys with pickup trucks and gun racks. No problem.

I'll keep a token protestant around -- say, the Duke of Devonshire. The Duke of Norfolk can kick back now from being the "token" Catholic. Besides, I rather fancy Chatsworth too. I don't particularly want to be Empress of India, so that can stay status quo. That place is so messed up I wonder what the British wanted with it in the first place. Oh. Curry. Right.

Hilary Jane Margaret White said...

I've always thought it would be fun to become an Anglican minister and then get up in the pulpit every week and preach the unadulterated Traditional Catholic religion; you know, catch them all off guard and convert them to the One True Faith.

...except for that whole spending-eternity-in-hell thing, of course.

welli'lleatmybiretta said...

Oh Mac - Thanks! I needed a good laugh :-)

japhy said...

Please remember that, after having consumed the Precious Body and Blood, and before performing the ablutions and purification of the sacred vessels, you must turn to one of the altar servers and ask if you have anything stuck in your teeth.

Calvin Klein make some excellent incense fragrances; "Obsession" and "Jealousy" come to mind.

As far as undergarments are concerned, I understand fiddleback bras are preferred to racerback bras.

Finally, for modesty's sake, you may want to consider courtseying instead of bowing!

Anonymous said...

I don't agree with women priests but not all women are like you describe.

George said...

No sooner a priestess then the most ambitious and upwardly mobile ones will want to become Bitch-ops!

Orthfully Catholic said...

What a marvellous idea, three of us will buy episcopal ordinations on the internet and ordain you in Blackfen. Look forward to it!

Ponte Sisto said...

What fun, Mother Mac! You know you've been Fr Zee-ed, don't you?

Mary in CO said...

Mac, #5 is a question only a sensitive womynpriest such as yourself would raise. Pondered it a while and realized: Colorstay lip gloss, of course! And the trendy Traddy womynpriest will wear seasonal colors: Ordinary Green, Purgation Purple, Royal Red, Rejoicing Rose, and "Why is this right?" White.

That photo had me wondering if the 3 womynpriests were ordained after a Vicar of Dibley marathon weekend?

Hilary Jane Margaret White said...

For Pete sake, Gem, you don't need an army to deal with the CofE sissies.

My grandma could take em.

lily_hello_6 said...

I'll take Empress of India. Then I could wear a Sari. They are soooo pretty. And I adore curry.

JoannaB said...

What about - does anyone know how to get make up off the collar of my vestment?

And has anyone seen the cauldron? (looks liek a scene out of Macbeth!)

Emitte said...

Instruction of the Congregation for Divine Worship and the Pontifical Commission 'Ecclesia Dei' on the function and selection of altar servers for womynpriests.

1. For the celebration of Holy Mass according to the extraordinary form of the Roman Rite, whilst a priest(ess) may offer the sacrifice without anyone else present, it is desirable when possible that a server be present to assist the celebrant(ess) and to make the responses pro populo.

2. Whilst the use of male servers for this would be both valid and licit, it should be remembered that the valuable ministry of serving at the altar may be, and has been a means of discovered a vocation to the sacred priesthood. Therefore, for the celebration of Holy Mass by a womynpriest, it is favourable that a woman assist. Having consulted with liturgical experts, it is to be the ordinary fashion for Holy Mass celebrated by a womynpriest to be served by an altar girl-except in cases of grave necessity.

3. Owing to silence of women in churches required and encouraged on the part of by the Apostle Paul, it is mandatory for both a womynpriest and a female server to recite those parts of the Mass 'sotto voce'.

4. If as in cases as suggested by article 2, no women are available to serve such Masses, it may be permissible for a man or boy to recite the responses pro populo, but on no account is he to enter the sanctuary-this being the singular privilege of women at such celebrations.

5. It has been noted on occassion that at High Mass in some celebrations that the (male) celebrant has exchanged the pax with the deacon(ess). This practise is to be reprobated. In order to avoid such unfortunate occurences, bishops, pastors, and seminary rectors must work to ensure that the sanctuary party on such occassions are of the same gender.

Gail F said...

You can certainly knit, but only with needle extensions or four needles so you make a "seamless garment."

George said...

That famous 'girlie group' from the 60's, The Liturgy Sisters, sing the final rendition of 'My Way'.........

George said...

oops sorry, forgot to add 'sing the final rendition of 'My Way'......... in Latin of course!!

Anyone care to post a translation to latin of the famous Sinatra line .... 'I did it my way'.
See Mac, my latin doesn't even stretch this far. Hopeless!

japhy said...

george: Anyone care to post a translation to latin of the famous Sinatra line .... 'I did it my way'.

I believe this works:

Modo meo feci! That is, literally, "In my manner, I did [it]".

George said...

Thanks for that Japhy - I think 'Modo meo faci' actually sounds better than the English version. A bit like 'Veni, vidi, vicit'(my other bit of Latin, Mac)

Now, could 'ole blue eyes pull this line off in Latin and make it as famous? Personally I can see the likes of Pavarotti doing justice to this one. What do you all think - could you care less - I ask? Probably not. It's really hot again outside today in London. Trivial things seem to tax my brain less in the heat, perhaps that's why I'm making up such drivel so easily. Where's my shrink?

Redtabby said...

Mulier, I hope you will see this. Have you seen the new catalog for the well dressed woman priest? Apparently you can actually have those shoes with buckles and stiletto heels. See the ad in the upper right. Oh, this is sooooo exciting!

http://tiny.cc/mJ12h

I am in the USA and have been reading your blog for well over a year, along with Fr. Finigans's and Aunt Joanna's. I very much hope you will continue to find the time to keep adding to it.

Mac McLernon said...

Yes, redtabby, I did spot this catalogue. But (as you can see if you check out the combox) I have a complaint as to the fact that this catalogue is really catering for the Novus Ordo womynpriest...

There is very little really traddy stuff here!

BTW thanks for the compliment... though I'm not in Fr. Tim's league... and I do hope that I will find plenty more to blog about!
;-)

the hound said...

This whole post is by far the funniest thing I've come across in ages. It's taken me 10mins just to get my breath back from the laughing fits. Thank you!!

ekurlowa said...

Splendid! It's a good idea - traddy womynpriests!

Lets' send our bishops this petition ;)

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