The Problem With Blogger...

...has reminded me of this little gem which did the rounds by email for a few years.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze furst plas.

Wirklich sonderbar...

Has anyone else noticed that Blogger seems to be going all Euro on us?... Half of the instructions seem to have been put up in German...

Lunch...

Yet another exclusive... but only because Fr. Z and Fr. Tim are having technical difficulties... Anyway, I got to meet Fr. Z for lunch: even more entertaining in person than on his excellent blog. I hadn't realised that he'd read my blog, but he pointed out that I had mis-quoted his sermon in a previous post... I'd better put that right: I don't want to end up having my blog "fisked" !!

Bloggers At Blackfen...

You can see the photos for the High Mass yesterday, and they are well worth a look. I was amused to see that all the bloggers had been singled out for their own photo-shoot...

Left to right we have the Dúnadan (Cally's Kitchen), Fr. John Zuhlsdorf (What Does The Prayer Really Say?), Fr. Nicholas Schofield (Roman Miscellany), Fr. Tim Finigan (The Hermeneutic of Continuity), and, on the far right of the photo, Fr. John Boyle (South Ashford Priest). This was one occasion when I didn't have to endure being photographed: I had already scooted back to school at this point!

Summorum Pontificum And The Cross

We had a High Mass in Blackfen today to celebrate the full implementation of Summorum Pontificum. I was very upset when I realised that the Mass was going to be in the middle of the day: I didn't think that it would be a good idea to ask for an afternoon off school when we'd only just started...

...Imagine my delight when, on checking my timetable, I realised that this would be "Week B" (we have a two-week timetable) and on Friday of Week B I have a couple of free periods either side of lunch. Technically, one of the free periods is a "cover" - this means I could have to cover another absent teacher's lesson, so getting the opportunity to skip out of school wasn't a certainty: however, on the basis that if you don't ask, you don't get, I put in a request to be kept free. And I was hopeful: at this point in the year there aren't usually too many staff off sick.

So today I was able to attend the Mass. It was well attended, and I took a few little snaps with my dinky phone-camera.

Fr. Zuhlsdorf, the author of the blog "What does the Prayer Really Say?" preached the sermon. He pointed out that the Feast of the Exaltation of the Cross was picked deliberately by the Holy Father for the implementation of Summorum Pontificum; and that we remove the mystery of the Cross from the celebration of Mass at our peril. He said a lot more, and as he appeared to have a recording device at the lectern, I'm hoping that a podcast will be available soon. (Ok, apparently not... technology is great, but only when it works. The text of his sermon is available HERE.)

Unfortunately I had only been "let out" for the free periods and lunch. This meant that I had to get back to teach a Year 7 class, and couldn't stay for the reception. That was a bit of a wrench - the place was positively swarming with fellow bloggers... Fr. Tim, Fr. Zuhlsdorf, Fr. Nicholas Schofield, the Dúnadan, Fr. John Boyle, and non-blogging (but much blogged-about) priest, Fr. Richard Whinder; ...and I was delighted to be greeted by Londiniensis (he doesn't have a blog of his own, but comments occasionally.)

Hopefully there will be some more reports about the day. Watch this space.


UPDATE: The Dúnadan has posted his account of the Mass... he seems to have been first off the mark!
UPDATE 2: Fr. Zuhlsdorf has blogged about the High Mass, as has Fr. Nicholas.

Blackfen Blogger Exclusive!

Heheheheh... After Benediction, Jonathan made a few "altar"ations in the church ready for tomorrow's High Mass... Fr. Tim was busy elsewhere, so I've scooped an exclusive!

Here we have the High Altar before Jonathan got to work...


And here we are afterwards:



I decided to try out a few angles. We weren't entirely sure about the flowers, but Hilda, our Sacristan, wasn't around, so we had to make do. It will be interesting to see what she comes up with tomorrow!

Abortion: Is The Tide Turning At Last?

...Probably not. But I was encouraged to read the following articles.

Amanda Platell from the Daily Mail has a good article on why she, as a feminist, believes that abortion should be a last resort, with a reduction of the upper age limit. I do not agree with much of what she has written - for example, I do not believe that quite so many women were killed through backstreet abortions (the majority of which were carried out by "sympathetic" doctors.) But it is interesting to read her comments on how the ready availability of abortion and the view of it as just another form of contraception have turned her against it. She also makes a pertinent point about how abstinance is the best method of contraception, and that the Catholic Church is vilified for daring to say so.

Steve Doughty, also from the Daily Mail reports how 70% of women want to stop abortion after thirteen weeks. Support for limits to the number and time-limit of abortions is apparently coming mostly from women, young people aged under 24, and pensioners.

Finally, there is a poll by the Daily Mail asking about limits to abortion. The first option is actually 0 weeks, but because of the numbering of options it looks like ten weeks. At the time of writing, the poll stood at 42% at zero weeks (ie. no abortion), 43% at thirteen weeks, and 15% want the limit to remain at 24 weeks.

You can see the poll HERE. Twitch of the mantilla to Chris Hack who set up the Post-Faith Conference Pro-Life Support Group on Facebook.

How To Give Your Cat A Pill...

A friend of mine forwarded some photos of reluctant cats being washed in baths. I wasn't too keen on the pictures (and so won't be posting them) but it did remind me of this great set of instructions which did the rounds by email for many years...

How to Give Your Cat a Pill...

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call friend.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get friend to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down, remove ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for glueing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get friend to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to friend's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, hold cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet of steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Get friend to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat. Ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

While googling for that one, I stumbled upon this genuine piece of advice... I kept waiting for the photo showing the chewed fingers, but I guess that they didn't post that one!

Ooooh, scary!

Not So Innocent...!

Oh bother! I really enjoy "Innocent Smoothies" - I can even tolerate the fact that I might "catch" a vitamin or two... But, I see on Facebook that:

"The Innocent Foundation is a grant giving charity, set up by Innocent Drinks, that works in partnership with community based projects and NGOs.

One of the charities they support is Womankind, a group that promotes abortion."

It's worth telling Innocent that funding abortion (even second-hand) is likely to lose them customers. Not to mention bringing the "Innocent" trademark into disrepute! It is possible to email Linda@innocentdrinks.co.uk or go to the website.

Just To Prove I'm Still Alive...

...I'm too tired to blog, but I don't want to be accused of hypocrisy after binning some of the more inactive blogs on my roll. So I thought I'd share a little kitty-pic...

...and a great Papal-pic...

Twitch of the mantilla to the Curt Jester for the snap of the Pontiff (and Jeff has a brilliant caption for it too!)

Obviously Working Too Hard...

Life has rather overtaken me this week. The new job is taking up all of my mental and physical energy. The school is really great, and I think I will be very happy... and Half-Term is in six weeks.

The fact that my brain is even more scrambled than usual was brought home to me on Friday. There was a bit of a get-together for the staff, and they had a draw for the Rugby World Cup. I decided that I might as well have a bash, and so put my name in.

When my name was called out along with the country drawn, I looked round at the others in my department: "Ok, I know nothing about rugby. Are they any good?"

I was a little taken aback by the mirth. And then my one surviving brain cell kicked in.

New Zealand... also known as the All Blacks. I believe they're "quite good..."

One In The Eye For The "Experts" !

This is really heartwarming - a real bit of good news. There is a salutary lesson in here though: the experts do not always get it right. It is also quite scary to realise that the so-called experts were really putting Aaliyah Hart's mother under tremendous pressure by "offering" her the chance to abort right up until the time of her birth.

Thank God that Aaliyah's mother ignored the experts. Aaliyah started school this week.

Twitch of the mantilla to Newhousenewjob.

SURPRISE ! (Well, Maybe Not...)

Surprise, surprise! The HFEA has decided to give British scientists the green light on the creation of human-animal hybrid embryos for the purposes of experimentation.

Obviously they only did this after much deliberation, and a lengthy consultation with the public. Yeah, right... and I'm the next Pope.

If you don't already know how much emphasis is given by the HFEA to public consultation, might I suggest reading my previous posts: Consultation?? Oh Really?? and Should We Bother To Listen To The Public? (an actual question asked at the consultation meeting!!) According to the Daily Telegraph, the only reason that the HFEA carried out their consultation was because scientists didn't like the results of the first consultation which resulted in a government white paper banning the research (Too many pro-life groups attended, and "skewed" the results. What a surprise: pro-life groups attended meetings in order to defend human life. How very unreasonable of them! Just not cricket, old boy!).

But never mind... the hybrids will be about 99% human (that 1% means that they're not really human, so it doesn't matter if we experiment on them... but there's not enough animal to make them really yucky hybrids and get the animal rights lobby up in arms...), and at least Britain is kept at the forefront of research on cloning. Given the state of government funding for scientific research, presumably the only way we will be at the forefront of anything is by tackling stuff that most countries consider too immoral or too dangerous to touch with a ten-foot barge pole.

Oh, and I would just like to point out that the scientific research carried out in the Nazi concentration camps was considered to be of vital importance by the scientists too...

Aaaarghhhhh!

Despite my best efforts, and the efforts of my Guardian Angel, my worst fears were realised. I had an awful night, and kept waking up every 45 minutes or so... until 4:30am or thereabouts! And then, predictably, I overslept! It wasn't the spectacular oversleeping I have managed on a previous occasion (I woke up this morning at 7am) but I was too late to attend the early morning Mass...

...Somehow I doubt that the loud exclamation of "Aaaarghhh, God in heaven, no...!" constitutes an acceptable form of morning prayer...

Blond Joke (With A Twist)

Just to prove I'm not sexist...

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond man were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, "Boloney again. If I get a boloney sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The blond opens his lunch, sees the boloney and jumps to his death also.

At the funeral The Irishman's wife was distraught: "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife was also devastated: "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blond guy's wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said. "He made his own lunch!"

It's A Quiet Day, So...

...with nothing much happening here at home (and with me trying to avoid the remaining housework) I thought I'd post another blonde joke...

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. "Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

So, she went for a complete disguise, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, and then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave."

Knock, Knock, Knocking On Heaven's Door...

Lots of people need prayers right now. So, of your charity, can you pray:

For Audrey, who is being put under incredible pressure to have an abortion, and who is talking to Sister Roseann.

For Kerry-Anne, who was thinking about an abortion, but so far hasn't gone through with it.

For Jess and her unborn child (Jess took the first dose of the abortion pill and then couldn't continue...)

And finally, for A Thorn in the Pew who is pregnant, but has been experiencing difficulties with the pregnancy.

Time to besiege the Pearly Gates: and we have a few "double agents" who can be called upon to help us storm heaven...

Mary, Mother of God, pray for us.
St. Michael the Archangel, pray for us.
All Guardian Angels, pray for us.
St. Gerard Majella, pray for us.
St. Raymond Nonnatus, pray for us.
St. Margaret of Antioch, pray for us.
St. Catherine of Sweden, pray for us.
St. Gianna Molla, pray for us.

VIRUS ALERT !

There is a particularly virulent computer virus doing the rounds. It is vitally important that the source of this virus is discovered, because it is really awful. Warn all the people in your addressbook to be on the lookout for any suspicious email attachments...



If you don't believe me, just look what it did to my mouse...

Happy Feast Day

Today is the feast day of my patron saint. St. Anne Line shares her feast with two other great martyrs: St Margaret Clitherow and St. Margaret Ward. I was advised to take one of the English women martyrs as my patron when I dedicated my life to God as a single woman living and working in the world. I felt that Margaret Clitherow, as a wife and mother, wasn't quite right as a patron. I knew very little about Margaret Ward, but had the idea (perhaps wrongly) that she was very young.


Anne Line, on the other hand, was a more mature woman. She was a convert, and was disowned by her family. She married Roger Line, another convert, but he was forced to flee the country to avoid arrest, and he died very shortly afterwards, so their married life together was brief. To keep body and soul together, Anne worked as housekeeper for Fr. Gerard - keeping a safehouse for any Catholic priests who needed shelter. She adopted the pseudonym "Mrs Martha" (something I only just found out) and took private vows (in much the same way as I have.) What really drew me to her was the retort she gave on the scaffold before she was hung:

"My Lords, I am accused of harbouring a Catholic priest. So far am I from repenting that I would I could have harboured a thousand."

No chance of her being content with a Church with fewer priests and lots of lay "ministries" - for her, the issue was clear: no priests = no sacraments = no Church = no salvation. We need more women (and men) in the Church who realise that their God-given vocation involves doing things that only lay people can do, not doing the priest's job for him!

(BTW, you can read a previous post I wrote on my pilgrimage to find out more information about St. Anne Line.)

Vatican Airlines

I want to fly Vatican Air. Maybe our Parish Pilgrimage next year can go to Lourdes via Rome... I'm sure no-one will mind having to change planes...

The Curt Jester outlines the advantages of travelling with the Vatican Air Service... I particularly liked:

When boarding you always have to enter through the "narrow gate."

Dominicans, Franciscans, Carmelites and males from some other orders are eligible for Frequent Friar Miles.

Flight insurance includes a fund that will pay stipends to a monastery of your choice that will have Masses said for you in case of a fatal accident.

If Vatican Air loses your luggage St. Anthony is immediately invoked.