The Ninth Day Of Christmas...

Customer Relations Department

Ye Olde True Love Gift Shoppe

Santa's Grotto, North Pole

Dear Sir,

Mr. Guest is on Annual Leave, but he has passed your correspondence on to me. I have to say that, looking at your recent orders, you appear to be deliberately antagonising my staff with the most obscure gift items possible.

The latest request, for no fewer than nine ladies dancing, is a case in point.

We sent nine dancing girls. Very good dancers they were, too... King Herod was particularly keen on the one called Salome, promised to give her half his kingdom. The fact that she settled for some poor chap's head on a platter just goes to show that one shouldn't listen to everything one's mother tells one.

But no, this was unacceptable. So, we sent nine pole dancers as a replacement, free of charge, in order to show how much we value your custom. The tirade of abuse in your latest missive was totally uncalled for: 9 female Poles, dancing and 9 females, pole dancing - well, it's an easy mistake to make.

However, in order to demonstrate that there is no ill-will on our part, we shall offer to send the next gift to your true love absolutely free, gratis and for nothing... provided it is in stock.

I remain,

Yours faithfully,

Mary Christmas (Ms.)

(Deputy Director)