"Open Day" With A Twist...

I have a ghoulish sense of humour. The mental images conjured up when I saw the poster advertising our local cemetery "Open Day" made me chuckle. Apocalyptic visions interspersed with comparisons of coffin styles sprang to mind. Then I read the poster more carefully, and discovered that it was actually the crematorium which was having the Open Day, not the cemetery...

On being told that everything was open for viewing, I decided that this was just too good an opportunity to miss. I have always loved murder mysteries, and the best way to dispose of the evidence has got to be cremation. None of this "let's exhume the body and get the evidence several years after the event" mucking around.

I knew there was to be a service blessing some new memorial niches, and a Remembrance Service, but I was really keen to see the hardware. I rather sheepishly asked someone about the advertised guided tour (I didn't want to appear ghoulish!) and he immediately offered to escort me round. In fact, so immediate was the response, that I started to wonder if I might actually end up as part of the exhibition: "Please just walk in, Madam... don't panic, I'll just shut the door behind you so you can get a feel for the place, mwah ha ha..." and now, ladies and gents, here's one we prepared earlier...

Anyway, the chap brought me round through a chapel and into the room with all the ovens. He told me a bit about how it all worked, and then took me through to the automated control room. There were already several examples which had indeed been "prepared earlier" - in two categories: those who were to be placed carefully in the memorial garden under a rosebush or something (the location was carefully documented) and those referred to as the "takeaways."

Fast food will never seem the same again.

At this point another guide showed up, and took me in hand. Apparently the first guide shouldn't have been showing people round the ovens at all, he should have been taking photographs in the gardens... somewhat crestfallen, he reluctantly relinquished custody to the official guide. I think he'd been enjoying himself...

I was taken back to the ovens, and lots more information was given. I now know that the ovens operate at 800°C... and that the gases are not released immediately, but are held for 2.5 seconds to allow the dioxins to react fully (or something like that) ... I even got shown the cremulator, which basically ensures that all the bones are ground to a fine dust, and various metal bits can be sieved out...

I did begin to wonder whether maybe I was being mistaken for someone else, as several times I was reassured that environmental pollution standards were being adhered to... and that all the certification which came with each body had to match up, and that the documents for each person were moved with the body at each step (outside the ovens, obviously!) And then I realised that it was probably even more basic than that: I suspect that the people at the crematorium don't generally get to talk to others about their work. I guess that the people they usually see are generally rather upset, and not terribly interested in the mechanics of how darling aunt Mabel is being disposed of.

It did occur to me that this would make a brilliant Science trip for school...

The afternoon finished up with a Remembrance Service. This turned out to be hugely entertaining. The organist appeared to be enjoying the opportunity to interact with his audience, and started us off before the service with requests, which he played very well (without sheet music, as far as I could see) on the organ (which didn't do him justice, in my humble opinion... though a proper musician might correct me on that.) I requested (and got) Bach's Ave Maria, someone else asked for Handel's Largo, another person asked for Greensleeves. With each piece of music, the organist told us whether it was a popular one for funerals, who the composer was, or some little snippet of information.

The service proper was conducted by an Anglican priest, a Catholic priest (Fr. Tim) and a humanist "minister." The humanist refused to sit out at the front with the two priests, on the chair provided for him. There were three hymns and some readings from the Bible, and some prayers... the humanist seemed to be rather out on a limb, and his choice of reading (from The Rubiyat of Omar Khayyam) was pretty bizarre... I mean, it probably would have made total sense at a humanist cremation (though a bit insensitive - the upshot of the piece was that we're here for a time, and then it's curtains, and that's your lot, matey!) but I doubt that you'd get many humanists at a service where the aim was to pray for the deceased! So the people present didn't seem to know what to make of his reading at all... and I was trying very hard not to laugh...

All in all, a very enjoyable way to spend a Sunday afternoon.