Blonde Joke

As a natural blonde myself, I find "blonde" jokes rather amusing. Along with Dolly Parton, I know they're not true (apparently she also knew she wasn't blonde!)

So, for the office party, a bunch of blondes and brunettes decide to hire a double-decker bus to go on a tour of London. The blondes end up on the top deck, while the brunettes stay below.

The brunettes are having a whale of a time, and the party spirit is flowing freely. Then, someone notices that things are surprisingly quiet up top, and there's not so much as a squeak from the normally bubbly blonde contingent.

One of the brunettes is dispatched upstairs to check it out. On arrival, she finds all the blondes sitting frozen in their seats, absolute terror etched on every face. "What's the matter?" asks the brunette, "why aren't you having fun? We're really enjoying this!"

"It's ok for you lot downstairs," retorts one of the petrified blondes, "you've got a driver..."

A Little Liturgical Interlude

Ok. Time to see how many of you out there are paying attention.

I've been responsible for sorting out the prayer sheets for the Faith Summer Session for several years now. However, this year (just to keep me on my toes) we're actually into the first week of August rather than the last week of July or the second week of August. So we don't get to celebrate the Transfiguration, or the Feasts of St Teresa Benedicta and St Laurence (which means I have to sort out the psalms, as we can't just use the ones for the Sunday!!)

We do get to celebrate St Alphonsus Mary de Liguori on the Tuesday and St John Mary Vianney (aka the Cure d'Ars) on the Friday. We don't have morning prayer on Monday, but Mass will be St Ignatius Loyola. The Thursday is a feria. So far, so straightforward - I just have a bit of typing to do.

The problem is actually Wednesday 2nd August. It's an Optional Memorial, and there's a choice. Should I go for St Eusebius of Vercelli (safely in my Breviary, no tricky decisions) or for St Peter Julian Eymard (who's been added to the Universal Calendar according to my Directory, but all I know is that he was a priest)...

...or I could be really naughty and decide to plump for St. Mary of the Angels who gets a mention in the Directory in brackets. This means that the feast is either liturgically impeded or of diocesan interest... probably the former!

So, any comments?

Ain't technology great?

Modern technology has certainly come on quite a bit in the past few years. I was talking to my sister earlier, and she told me about all the scans and tests she's had because of the problems she's having with bleeding.

She's in her thirteenth week, and should be in the "safe" zone, as far as any pregnancy can be considered safe, but the bleeding can't be explained by any of the doctors. She was a little scathing about a medical student who couldn't locate her cervix (I mean, how difficult can it be to find the end of what is effectively a cul-de-sac??) which wasn't exactly reassurring.

Anyway, I asked if she had any pictures from the scans. "Oh no," was the offhand reply, "but we got the DVD"

No doubt it's titled "Womb with a View"...

Feeling sorry for myself...

...Of course, I have no right to feel sorry for myself. There are lots of people who are much worse off than me. Or so I keep telling myself.

The problem is, it isn't easy to believe this when your head is throbbing from a point just inside your lower jaw! Yes, I have toothache. I have spent the last two days curled up on my sofa under the duvet (yes, I did say "under" - I have a very cold flat) with my head on a hot water bottle. I wouldn't mind, but there's nothing on TV (watching tennis ranks, in my humble opinion, somewhere below watching paint dry for entertainment value) and I the pain means I can't focus properly, so reading isn't much of an option. Eating, one of my other favourite occupations, is also not on the menu, for fairly obvious reasons.

I know it's self-inflicted. I should have gone to the dentist as soon as the filling fell out. But, it didn't hurt then. And I am frankly so terrified of dentists that I have to be in real pain before I can bear to cross the threshold of a dental surgery. It's stupid, it's irrational. But it's real. I am reduced to a howling, shaking lump. Once, I was so frightened that I clamped my jaw shut as a sort of reflex. Unfortunately the dentist's fingers were inside my mouth at the time. He wasn't happy.

The irrational part comes in when I consider that I've had bits of my body cauterised, biopsied, stitched and cut out, and I've demanded to watch. I react badly to general anaesthesia, and so I've had my tibia sawn open and screwed back in a different position while cracking jokes with the anaesthetist and the surgeon (not sensible behaviour when the latter is wielding what looks like a Black and Decker with a little fancy attachment on it!) But the minute I sit in a dentist's chair, I want to start screaming. And that's just for the initial examination...

The upshot of all this is that I left the hole in my tooth until I got an infection. And the pain got bad. The downside is that now no self-respecting dentist will go anywhere near the offending tooth until the infection has cleared up.... and by then, it might just have stopped hurting....

An early birthday present

Today started off badly, but rapidly improved. And now, I think I can say that it's finished on a real high note. My sister phoned: she'd been travelling round the world with her husband since Christmas, but had come home early.

The reason for cutting short her tour: she's expecting her first child! So, if all goes well, some time in the New Year I will be an "Auntie" My mother then admonished me to behave like a real auntie, and not like her sister. I was forced to point out that her sister was only 7 years older than me, so it was hardly her fault if she didn't behave in a very "aunt-like" fashion... and being in a different country also puts a bit of a crimp in aunt-visitations.

There is just one little cloud: my sister has been experiencing some complications and bleeding, so as the "church-goer" I've been assigned the task of getting some serious praying done. Working on the principle that you can never have too many prayers said for you, I'll ask for as many as possible.

O great Saint Gerard, beloved servant of Jesus Christ, perfect imitator of your meek and humble Saviour, and devoted child of the Mother of God, enkindle within my heart one spark of that heavenly fire of charity which glowed in your heart and made you an angel of love.
O glorious Saint Gerard, because when falsely accused of crime, you did bear, like your Divine Master, without murmur or complaint, the calumnies of wicked men, you have been raised up by God as the patron and protector of expectant mothers.
Preserve them from danger and from the excessive pains accompanying childbirth, and shield the children which they now carry, that they may see the light of day and receive the purifying and life-giving waters of baptism through Jesus Christ our Lord.
Amen.

Catechesis

I've been asked by my Parish Priest to help prepare a couple of boys for their First Holy Communion. I think the usual suspect was too busy, or was able to think on her feet a little more quickly than me: I was nabbed after evening Mass just over a week ago, and my mouth said "yes" before my brain kicked in.

The first session was to have been last Tuesday: on hearing that there was some sort of football event on, I decided that it might not be the best time to dicuss the finer points of our Faith. So this evening I waited for the two boys to arrive for our first class.

We started off in the church, with me trying to find out how much they knew already: I taught them how to genuflect and then we looked at a statue - after a heated debate between them as to how it couldn't be Jesus' dad because he was God and there weren't any statues of him, we found the shamrock and succesfully identified St Patrick. I intervened briefly to prevent any actual bloodshed...

We then spent some time in the Sacristy learning how to make the Sign of the Cross with reverence; this led to some interesting questions on the nature of the Trinity. Finally the elder brother appeared to have cracked it. "It's like that CD" (he did mention the name of the singer, but I didn't quite catch it) "you know... you open up the box, and there are three CDs inside..." Not quite the accepted theological terminology, but I've heard a lot worse!

We also amused ourselves by looking at vestments and the sacred vessels used for Mass: being an assistant sacristan has its advantages. The gold cope attracted most attention, especially when they got to hold it: "wow, it's well heavy!" There was also much speculation as to how much all those things must have cost. I think the greatest compliment came at the end: when I announced that the lesson was over, the boys were shocked - the time had gone so quickly. I just hope next week doesn't clash with the football!

One of those days...

When I woke up this morning, I had a feeling it was going to be one of those days...

Sure enough, everything seemed to conspire against me: tights, contact lenses, traffic... To make matters worse, I just couldn't seem to settle down to any of the (boring) paperwork sitting on my desk.

We have a custom at my school: whenever anyone has a birthday (or other significant celebration) that person provides chocolates, doughnuts, cakes or some little treat for the rest of the staffroom. Occasionally someone will just go for it because there is the consensus that we need cheering up. Tomorrow is my birthday, and because I wasn't in the mood to shuffle paper (Year 13 have left, so I have a little free time) I started to discuss the relative merits of chocolates vs. doughnuts as a birthday staffroom treat with another teacher.

We came to the conclusion that supermarket doughnuts just don't cut the mustard. Fresh, hot Krispy Kreme donuts, on the other hand, were the business. Unfortunately, I opined, Krispy Kreme at Bluewater don't open before we start school. Buying doughnuts the night before was fraught with difficulties, assuming that they survived the journey home (unlikely) but tomorrow is a full teaching day for me, and there wouldn't be any opportunities for scooting out in search of fresh doughnuts... I resigned myself to the idea of a large box of Celebrations.

Then, an astonishing insight hit me. I could celebrate my birthday a day early and drive down to Bluewater in my Year 13 lesson...

...I shall draw a discreet veil over the details of who had how many and what variety. Such a shame that birthdays only happen once a year!

Dancing Priests

Fr. Nicholas of Roman Miscellany put up this post about Fr. Saju George, the Dancing Jesuit.

Looking at the picture, I can't help wondering if Fr. Saju has taken the idea of rejecting clerical attire a little too far: I would never go so far as to say that a priest should always wear a cassock, or even a clerical shirt and collar, but I don't really want to be confronted with hairy chests and bare nipples at Mass...

...and then there is the question as to whether it is really appropriate to have anyone perform a dance more usually associated with Hindu temple prostitution as a Gospel meditation or thanksgiving after Communion.

The Need for Fertility Treatment?

Listening to the radio this morning (I really shouldn't... it's invariably bad for my blood pressure) I was interested to hear that there is a population crisis in Europe: apparently not enough babies are being born, and this will result in an increasingly aging population being supported by a decreasing number of young workers.

Nothing new here. The bit that really had me gasping for breath was the proposed solution. Some mastermind suggested that if fertility treatment was offered to couples for free, the increased birth-rate would solve all the problems... and incidentally, the increased tax revenue would actually cover the cost of the treatment...

...I've had a blinder of an idea! How about we stop killing little babies in the hundreds of abortions that happen in Europe, and encourage infertile couples to adopt instead? We save the money from the surgical and pharmacological abortions, we save the money from the post-abortion counselling, we don't need to splash out any dosh for the fertility treatment AND we get the increased tax revenue from all those extra working people in a couple of decades.

...it's not exactly rocket science, is it?

Happy Father's Day

Today is Father's Day in the UK. Unlike Mothering Sunday, which is a Church Feast Day, Father's Day is a piece of shameless commercialism aimed at increasing sales of beer, aftershave, chocolate (well, I suppose men like chocolate too... there's certainly lots of it on sale in Supermarkets with "Don't Forget Father's Day" plastered all over the shelves) and greetings cards.

I don't really have a problem with this sort of thing... though I draw the line at celebrating "Grandparents' Day". But it did occur to me that it would be a great day to say a "thank you" to our priests - our spiritual fathers.

I don't think we say "thank you" to them often enough, and we also take them for granted. This was brought home to me when I helped to start up a demonstration at the Chrism Mass at St. George's Cathedral, Southwark. It was quite a simple idea - a group of women from the diocese who wanted to show their loyalty to the Magisterium and their appreciation for everything that our priests do for the Church. As we handed out little prayer cards, one priest was almost in tears as he said that no-one had ever thanked him for being a priest before.

It's important. I have been privileged to meet many, many good and holy priests since my return to the Church. These dedicated, prayerful and hard-working men give up their lives for God and the Church - that's us. Without their self-sacrifice, there would be no Sacraments, no Church.

The prayer cards we gave out at last year's Chrism Mass had a quote from Pope John Paul II:

"The priest is someone who, despite the passing of years, continues to radiate youthfulness, spreading it almost contagiously among those he meets along the way. His secret lies in his passion for Christ...

"If he is able to offer himself as a gift, placing himself at the service
of anyone in need, his life takes on its true meaning."

(Maundy Thursday, March 2005)

So take the opportunity to wish your Parish Priest (and/or Curate) a Happy Father's Day.

What About the Office?

What I really want to know is this: now there will be a new translation of the Missal, what about the Divine Office?

As I said in my last post, I don't actually speak Latin. The collects for saints days and seasonal propers are slightly different from the ones used at the Mass (of the relevant day) but similar enough for me to assume that they're actually translations of the same Latin prayer, and the phrasing is more elegant, so it's probably a better translation...

...the reason I need to know if a new translation is likely is purely and simply a financial one. The Divine Office is in 3 volumes. Each volume is about £50. My copies are about 13 years old, and because liturgical books and bibles always seem to be very badly bound, they are falling to bits. It's a bit distracting in prayer when your book suddenly disintegrates in your hands, and I'm easily distracted at the best of times! So I need to think about getting new copies...

...but £150 or thereabouts is rather a lot to spend if the whole thing is due for a re-vamp in the next year or so...

Any thoughts?

New Translations

There is an air of barely supressed excitement on the blogs and in the Catholic Press...

...well, ok, I'm exaggerating a little. Fine... I'm exaggerating a lot. But even I have noticed that rather a lot of people have made references to a new English translation of the Mass. And the upshot of it all seems to be that we shall soon be learning new versions of the prayers said at Mass. Or rather, we shall be learning the correct versions of the prayers said at Mass. About time too...

...Some time ago I managed to get my paws on an old Missal, and being the sort of person who reads instruction booklets, I settled down to have a good look at it. It has the Latin in one column, and the English in the next. Now, I don't actually know any Latin, but from attending the odd Mass at Westminster Cathedral, and from singing, I have gradually come to recognise the main prayers of the Mass: Confiteor, Gloria, Sanctus, etc. etc. So you can imagine my surprise when, finding the "familiar" Latin prayers, I noticed that the English translations were so very different from the phrases I was used to trotting out at church.

Take the Confiteor: the bit which I know simply as

"I have sinned through my own fault,
in my thoughts and in my words,
in what I have done, and in what I have failed to do"

is actually translated in my old missal as:

"I have sinned exceedingly
in thought, word and deed,
through my fault, through my fault,
through my most grievous fault"

Although this isn't a particularly good example, it still demonstrates that the translations we have been expected to use up until now have a real paucity of expression. Even allowing for the fact that the English language has changed over the past 50 years, I get the distinct impression that somewhere along the line we've been short-changed...

Photo Album

I finally managed to get my photos from Lourdes uploaded from my mobile phone (I don't have a digital camera)...

This is slightly more difficult than it might at first appear: my home computer was chucked out by Noah when he built the ark. It doesn't have the socket thingy (my use of technical terminology is somewhat limited... I blame the fact on my blonde hair) for sticking the phone's connection doobrey-whatsit into.

So, I have to upload the photos onto my school laptop. School computers are notoriously temperamental, and rarely up-to-date, so this is a major undertaking. However, I finally got the thing to work, more by luck than judgement.

The next step was to email the photos home - the school has a filter system which means I can't blog. I can't even look at a blog. On reflection, this is probably just as well...

Once the emails arrived, I downloaded the photos, and uploaded them onto the blog. Success! All of this is, of course, to explain why I didn't put the photos up when I got back from Lourdes just over a week ago!!

The first photo here actually is a little dark - it looked better on the phone. It is the spring uncovered by St. Bernadette when Our Lady appeared to her in the grotto at Massabielle. It's covered with glass or perspex, and the water is now piped to the baths and the drinking fountains. But there is something very moving about walking into the cave...





The mosaics inside the Rosary Basilica are really spectacular. The first time I saw the main mosaic of Our Lady, I found it very unsettling... it's partly the way she looms over you, and partly because the face is so very child-like. Once you remember that St. Bernadette described her as a girl of about 14 years old, it actually makes more sense. And now, I am very attached to this image.

This photo of the main basilicas taken from the esplanade shows how lucky we were with the weather... and no, I promise I haven't touched up the photos in any way!











Here's a photo of the grotto itself, showing the niche where Our Lady appeared to St. Bernadette. I think I took this one from the position of the plaque on the ground showing where St. Bernadette was kneeling, but I can't quite remember... next time I shall be more careful about labelling my photos!

And finally, a shot of the Domaine area taken from the benches by the Forum Information.

As you can see, I haven't quite got the hang of how to position my photos in an interesting and varied way... I shall have to work on it! But I'm rather pleased with my dinky little mobile phone!

Persecution Complex ?

It's not that I'm paranoid, but...

I'm beginning to think that Blogger has it in for me. I think it senses that I know absolutely nothing about the codes used to create the blog, and it's decided to teach me a lesson. For some reason, when I try and look at the blog, the margin, with all my links and profile and everything appears to have disappeared.

I found it eventually, lurking with intent at the bottom of my blog, after all my posts... but it's not actually much use down there. My problem is that I don't know what I've done to make it go into hiding, or how to entice it back to its proper location. Even more confusing, I've been told that it appears completely normal by another blogger.

So it must be me... Blogger is out to get me....

Marriage

...No, not mine (I've taken private vows.)

I was invited to the wedding of the daughter of a friend of mine. Friday afternoon seems a slightly odd time to have a wedding, but it did cross my mind that it might have something to do with the football. I know very little about football (I even asked my Form Group to pick my team for the staff fantasy football league) but I gather that England are playing tomorrow... and the groom used to play: Chelsea was mentioned, but I don't know if this was their youth squad or whatever....

Anyway, I was able, by dint of shameless grovelling, to get the day off school - most of my classes have either left school or are on exam leave, so there wasn't much cover to arrange. I was also privileged to sing the Ave Maria (Schubert) during the signing of the register. I have to confess that I prefer the Bach/Gounod Ave Maria, but the bride wanted Schubert, and it's her big day, so Schubert it was!

Tomorrow, I get to continue the theme: another couple of friends are celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary. I'm not singing anything at this, though if they have any hymns at Mass I'll join in with gusto... however, it'll probably be lots of Latin motets, so I shall just sit back and enjoy the beautiful music, and let it raise my heart and mind to God.

Pilgrim's Progress

Lourdes was wonderful: glorious sunshine, great food, good wine, congenial company...

The atmosphere is really special. Everyone is there for a common purpose. No-one bats an eyelid if you put on a mantilla (actually, most of the shops sell lots of different types!) Everyone prays. Actually, one of the most incongruous sights was on the last day in the Rosary Basilica: a woman proceded to make her way up the centre aisle on her knees... with a camera clasped in her right hand. And why not!

The queues for the women's baths are renowned for their length. One year I queued from 8:15am (the baths open at 9am) and at 11:15am I reached the outer vestibule. Realising that I would be late for the coach to the airport, I reluctantly had to leave.

This year, the queues have been more variable. I went on Tuesday morning at about 10:30am, fully expecting the queue to have been closed, but wanting to give it a go. To my surprise, the place was empty, and on my hesitation (I thought maybe it was completely finished) a brancardier shot out and practically dragged me to the door. The rest of the week I had longer to wait, but 2 hours was the longest. At least it gave me time to pray - although you are encouraged to compose your thoughts just before you get down into the water, the combination of a cold wet towel applied to your body just beforehand and water which is so cold you half expect to see icecubes floating in it often leaves you breathless and unable to say more than "Oh God!"

Despite that, it is one of the most moving experiences in Lourdes. It is daunting the first time (and never an "easy" experience, no matter how often you go) and there is a distinct element of penance involved in the mechanics, so to speak, but the feeling you get afterwards is truly indescribable.

Commercialism?

The only disadvantage in going on pilgrimage to Lourdes is that coming back can be a bit of a shock ! Driving to church this morning was a little surreal: not a single rosary or holy statue to be seen...

At the risk of merely appearing to repeat what Fr. Tim over at Hermeneutic of Continuity said on the subject, I don't think you can call the streets lined with shops selling rosaries and statues commercialism - for me, the term implies reducing everything to profit-and-loss, and trying to fleece the suckers who fall for whatever line you're selling. The atmosphere in Lourdes is very different...

For a start, although each shop is selling basically the same things, there doesn't appear to be any of the cut-throat rivalry going on - none of the feeling of "we've got the same item as next door, only we're selling two for the price of one, and our one is better anyway, his is rubbish." The shop fronts are completely open, and different shopkeepers can often be seen on the pavements chatting to each other as their respective customers wander round inside. There's a sort of patience involved... there's no feeling that you're being dragged in off the street to visit one shop in particular, it's almost as if it is expected that, sooner or later, you'll end up visiting every shop.

This slightly laid-back attitude to browsing is emphasised by the layout of the town itself. There is a one-way system in operation in the streets near the Domaine, and on certain days in the month, the direction of travel is reversed so that everyone has a fair crack at the passing trade!

Another reason I don't think of this as commercialism is that the prices are so very reasonable!

Having said all this, the shop displays are really something to behold. Bet you didn't realise that the one statue you absolutely had to have was a luminous Virgin Mary. Fr. Tim tells me that he even spotted a statue of Pope Benedict XVI ! Now that's one I have to see!

Holidays

It is gradually dawning on me that tomorrow I'm off on pilgrimage to Lourdes. I've been so caught up in various things going on at school that I hadn't actually been thinking any further ahead than 3:15pm on Friday (along with, I suspect, every other teacher in England, I always know exactly when the next holiday starts!)

I took the picture at the torchlight procession one evening last year.

Taking part in the procession in Lourdes is just such a boost for morale. Everyone is praying the rosary, and there are chants in between each of the decades, and during the choruses, the candles all get held up in the air. There is occasionally a moment of drama as one of the paper shields around the candle flames goes up in smoke, but it all adds to the atmosphere.

People are almost always polite and cheerful, putting up with minor inconveniences with good grace, and looking out for each other. It's also really great to see how the sick and disabled are put first... in the USSR there used to be special traffic lanes for the cars of the elite, and in the UK we have special lanes for buses and taxis: well, in Lourdes, there are wheelchair lanes... and believe me, getting run over by a brancardier pulling an invalid buggy is a distinct possibility if you are foolish enough to forget who has right of way!!

Sadly, despite the many beautiful places where one could celebrate Mass, there are a handful of rather ghastly locations - mostly in the newer buildings. However, we have arranged to have Mass in the more aesthetically pleasing chapels: Mass on Monday evening after our arrival is in the chapel of St Michael; we're in the Crypt on Tuesday morning, the chapel of St Gabriel on Thursday and in the Grotto itself for Mass on Friday morning.

The one blip (as far as I'm concerned) is Wednesday morning, when we join the International Mass in the Pius X Basilica. This Basilica is underground, and can seat 10,000 people or so. Apparently, when it was built, it was considered to be the latest thing, using pre-stressed concrete. The overall effect is one of having Mass in an underground car park. Lately there have been some additions - banners with some of the more modern saints - but it's still a car park. My objections to the location on aesthetic grounds have been firmly ignored: the International Mass is a major event, and as such, it forms part of the pilgrimage experience. To be fair, at least the 10,000 people present actually want to attend Mass, which means that the atmosphere is far better than some of the school Masses I have been forced to attend.

I doubt that I shall feel much like hunting for an internet cafe in amongst all the chapels, restaurants and shops selling rosaries and statues. So no more posts until I get back.

Hymn Lyrics to make you Weep

...Only this time with laughter! Given my previous posts on inclusive language in hymns and getting children to learn the traditional hymns, this offering from Fr. Nicholas at Roman Miscellany just had to get a mention...

Feast of the Ascension

I never quite got the point of today's Feast: it seemed a bit harsh for the disciples, having gotten used to Jesus being around again, to have to see him disappear once more. And having to wait until Pentecost for the consolation of the Holy Spirit, well, that just seemed a trifle heartless...

So the sermon at this evening's Mass was food for plenty of thought: we celebrate Jesus' return to the Father because he redeems our human nature and raises it up so that we can share in his divinity.

There was also a warning about bringing Jesus down to our own level in an attempt to make him seem less remote... the timely reminder that Jesus is more fully human than any of us gives the lie to the often-repeated statement that we're falible, we're sinful, because "we're only human."

(Apologies to Fr. Tim if I misquoted him, but I've had a couple of Baileys since I got home!)